I’ve kept my head down the last few months. Kept writing. But yesterday, I looked up and saw what was in front of me.
I haven’t seen the Void in years. It’s that empty black hole that threatens to swallow me up, leaving no trace of my existence behind. The last time I really saw the Void, I was living in Florida. How did I escape it? I moved across the country to L.A. Since then I had left it firmly behind me, pursuing my love of writing and living a much happier life.
But things have changed. I lost my job in May. I really didn’t think that was going to bring back the Void, but it appears to have been the catalyst. I just didn’t see it approaching me from the distance, because I really was keeping my head down. Writing.
Now I feel like a slow moving turtle halfway across the road, and an 18-wheeler is barreling toward me at high speed. It’s possible the truck will just fly over me, my turtle self tucked safely between the wheels.
But more likely, I’ll go SPLAT.
I’ve been looking for a new job, but I know it’s been a half-hearted effort thus far. I really wanted to have some time off to write. This is the opportunity I’ve been waiting for, for 13 years.
And I’m not able to enjoy it. At all.
Why? Well, some of it is due to extenuating circumstances. Responsibilities. All I want to do is run away for a few months, write my heart out and then return to L.A., a triumphant writer having vented years of built up spleen. But then again, I’m not writing alone anymore. So that plan is out.
Right now, sis and I are focused on getting an agent/manager. We have been writing two TV specs (a CHUCK and a CASTLE) and are nearing the finish line on both. We’ve recently finished a horror feature spec written with a friend of ours. Add all of that material to our existing one-hour sci-fi spec TV pilot, and we finally have a portfolio of material between the two of us.
Next up for us is a comic book. All of my other projects are on hold.
So of course, those projects are starting to gnaw at me. Because that’s what happens — I’m actively working on something, it’s blood from a stone time, squeezing out the work one drop at a time. When I’m not actively working on something (and am focused on a different project), suddenly I am chock a block full of ideas. Feast or famine.
So, the Void. It just appeared out of nowhere…well, at least to me it did. Again, I wasn’t really looking. It may have been there awhile, just sitting there in front of me, but I didn’t see it. Now I do. And it is all I can see, filling my entire field of vision. I see it with my eyes open or closed. Like creepy eyes on a painting, it follows me, no matter where I look.
The fear has gripped me. Trying to take hold of myself, maybe grab a handhold to keep from falling in. Or walking in. Into the Void.
What happens if I go in there? I don’t think I come out.
Must get my head back down. Must keep writing. Maybe I can erase the Void. Maybe I can replace it with something else.
My life needs a rewrite.
Posted under randomness
This post was written by Shawna Benson on August 18, 2009